A consultation with parents and children in Wales.

The Welsh National Eisteddfod of 2005 was held at the Faenol Estate near Bangor. Home-Start staff and volunteers talked to visitors to their stand about two important issues

With parents we discussed 'what has changed for you since you had children?'

With children we asked 'what makes you happy?

The responses that follow show many common themes. Mothers tended to show that their life had dramatically changed once they started a family while many fathers felt that their obligations and finances may have changed dramatically but their day-to-day life did not change that much.

The research also showed that grandparenting had changed over the years with child-care being taken on by grandparents much more these days. Younger parents were more likely to be both working while grandparents cared for their children due to high childcare costs. Some mothers resented being in this situation, and couples also felt that their social life was further hampered as babysitting, often carried out by grandparents before, was another extra duty they could now not ask for. All felt that their lives had been enriched by having children although the responsibility was deeply felt by many.

Children cited playing with friends and family especially dad. Mums were not mentioned with regard to play. Other activities that made them happy were things such as music, sport, children's characters on television, and animals.

The collation in full is listed below. Not all responses were identified as from Mother/Father/Grandmother/Grandfather/child etc.

Responses from Mothers when asked - "What has changed?"

• Lack of free time (x21)
• Loss of freedom (8)
• Loss of time for myself but the time with my baby was very worthwhile.
• Caring for 24 hours.
• I take a lot of time to begin to get out of the house!
• Resentful feelings sometimes.
• More patience (x2).
• Value the smaller things.
• Holidays arranged differently (to suit our daughter)
• Different opportunities.
• Not enough hours in the day!
• Only time for work, children and home.
• Sex life.
• Work pressures, rules what time I have for the children and what time I have for work.
• Grandmother provides childcare and I can't ask her to babysit for me to go out as well.
• Juggling more. Kept on working! Haven't dropped anything - can't not work (x2).
• I have had to grow up very quickly, having two babies while young.
• More responsibility. No time to do ordinary thing like going to the supermarket at 10pm.
• I am a single mother and it is hard to get a break.
• Grey hair.
• Personal taxi service.
• More work.
• My life has shrunk!
• Dieting/Eating.
• No peace.
• They've filled by life.
• New dimension on life.
• My life is anchored in purpose - my children are the future!
• Lots more experiences.
• Hadn't realised you could love someone else so much (x2)
• Life has turned upside down.
• 4 children - life is busy and full (x3)! Feel very lucky and enjoy seeing them grow and change every day.
• Laugh more.
• More problems.
• Given true meaning to life. Hard work but exciting
• Can't go out 'impromptu' (x2).
• Tension can be created because we can't go out as a couple.
• Need babysitters.
• Lots of running to and fro (x2).
• Not much time for me but I am having a brilliant time
• Juggling work and children is a strain.
• What did I do before I had children?!!
• Everything (x20)! What's not changed?!
• Where do I start? Going to work is hard and taking the children to nursery and paying for it!
• My entire life for the better, more enjoyable (x8)
• Have enjoyed it so much and I have benefited from the experience, but I miss the freedom and being single!
• Started a new life.
• Lots of fun (x3). Doing new things.
• Family values are stronger.
• Value things more.
• Made new friends.
• Life more stressful.
• A big box of wonderful and dreamy emotions was sprung open xxxx (mum of twins)
• For the best. Two of us still work. Grandmother and the two Grandfathers provide childcare.
• Grown up a lot! Lots of responsibility (x6), but lots of fun (x2) and I wouldn't be without them.
• My role has changed - "TaTa to my old life".
• Priorities have changed (x20). Putting the children first and enjoying that.
• They have to come first in everything I do.
• You have to learn to be selfless for the benefit of your children.
• Have to put family first before me (x4) but that said, worth the world.
• Relationship with my husband has improved.
• Perspective on life has totally changed
• Different activities.
• No sleep (x13)! Never slept the same since! Never thought I would be able to sleep again!
• I realise that the day seems a lot longer with sleep!
• Extremely tired!
• Lie-ins have gone.
• Realised a dream.
• Life has more meaning.
• Everything is concentrated around the child.
• Life more intense.
• Need lots of things for the baby.
• Child comes first. Hard to find harder work.
• As children we used to stay at home. My mother didn't drive. Now children have such an active social life and expect to go various places to play.
• Live is busier (x2) and very much enriched (x2).
• You think life is full before but it's a lot fuller after having children!
• Planning before-hand. Going anywhere takes time.
• Planning is everything (x2)!
• Time management skills! More organised!
• Loss of independence (x2).
• When we lived abroad we were a nuclear family with no support. I had post-natal depression and I feared that my child would be taken from me if people found out. After seeing a television programme on post-natal depression I realised I was not the only one. It would have been better if I had been forewarned. Now that we are back in Wales, life is better. Grandparents can now babysit and we can go out as a couple. I feel guilty sometimes about my isolation/depression after the birth of my son.
• It has been wonderful but full of many challenges. I lost my confidence and had post-natal depression, but now I have my self esteem back (through volunteering and tentatively returning to work) I can enjoy life again and thoroughly enjoy time spent with my daughter. Parenting is the most difficult job ther is and all parents need help and support.
• Realised what 'sorrow' meant when the children were ill. I don't worry about little things now.
• Less freedom, community has changed - When I lived in the country I was free. Different friends. Gave up work (x2).
• Social life revolves around parents of our children's friends (x3).
• - Social life gone, but worthwhile and wouldn't change it (x2).
• Social life restricted because of lack of babysitting. Also want to spend more time with them as they grow up too soon.
• Enjoy doing more family things. Spend more time with own family rather than friends.
• Attitudes have changed about lots of things e.g. the environment.
• Its very hard to get cheap childcare.
• Arranging childcare is hard work.
• Loss of promotion. Hard to find work again.
• Loss of confidence.
• Went from full-time to part-time work.
• Job has gone from full-time to part-time allowing me time with the children while still allowing me to follow a career.
• Post-natal illness - that has developed into depression. Every now and then I cannot work because of this illness.
• Nobody tells you before you have children what is going to change.
• Being able to work. Childcare services have changed since I had my first child 21 years ago.
• It's the parents that change - their attitude.
• Gave up work and moved back to Anglesey.
• Costs.
• Mess. Everywhere!
• Can't watch films on the TV anymore!
• Understanding how important family is.
• Not safe to let the children out.
• Time disappears at twice the speed!
• Everything moves so fast!
• Discipline; no respect, no social life!
• Divorced!! Changed career; gained more income without a man!!
• Thinking about money. BUT friendship of the children and watching them develop - they are the apple of my eye.
• Nothing has changed - it depends upon how you live your life.
• Don't know as I was only 18 years old when I had children.

Responses from fathers when asked - "What has changed?"

• Sleepless nights (x4)
• My life and world!
• Full house and lots of noise!
• Costs!
• A lot less money (x5) and much more pleasure. It enriches life. Opens up a new circle of friends too.
• No money (x2)!
• Bank balance (x4).
• Taxi service!
• Free time disappears, but looking back it was such a pleasure.
• Spending more time with what the children do e.g. sport, football, swimming etc.
• Enjoyment of a slower pace of life!
• Putting children first - can't relax!
• Less hair and going grey.
• Bad back! No time to keep fit.
• Lots of fun. Regret not doing it sooner.
• No beer, no sleep, no time and an awful lot of happiness.
• More happiness, joke a minute.
• Not much (x3). Need to keep job. Role of provider. Worry about getting a bigger house!
• Children just add to the family that's all.
• No sex, no food, no life, no beer!
• Money in the pocket. Busier than ever. More running about!
• Don't go out so much (x3) for a pint.
• More responsibility.
• Grown up. More sensible! Our son was ill and priorities change. More time in a second childhood. Playing with toys.
• Happy and tired.
• I'm waiting for a 'payback'
• More time with grandchildren and more money since retiring. I am back-up childcare. Children didn't curtail my time as I carried on working.
• Adjusted my lifestyle e.g. pub.
• A lot of time has to e managed to fit with child.
• Freedom. Doesn't get any easier.
• My whole life orientation changed from hanging about pubs to putting shelves up. Irreverible.
• Men - not a lot changes. Still work. As a grandfather - more time with the children.

Responses from Grandparent's when asked - "What has changed?"

• So much has changed, Money (x2) - more and more. More time for the grandchildren than my children (x2).
• Priorities change, someone else becomes more important and this lasts after the next generation appears.
• Putting others first (x3). Lots of fun (x2), second chance to do childish things!
• Busier than ever!
• Shock! Had to give up work. 4 children. No childcare. Went back to work. Independence was lost. Only gained it back after 36 years when I was widowed.
• If I knew grandchildren were such a blessing I would have had them sooner!
• Since having grandchildren it's a joy to share our retirement with them. Makes us feel loads younger.
• Parents don't seem to have time for children. Too busy working.
• Being with my grandchild. Less responsibility and lots of fun.
• As a grandmother - more patience and time, valuing children more than the first time around.
• Never had time to myself. Worked full time and Grandmother looked after my children, now I am looking after my grandchildren in support of my daughter.
• My life is enriched.
• Shopping basket - baby car seats! They (grandchildren) are fantastic!
• The realisation of generations developing and the huge responsibility.
• Our life has been enriched so much since we had our little granddaughter.
• My parents looked after my children as they said that I shouldn't waste my time in college which they paid for.
• Being a child again.
• Looking after the children before they started school and now after school.
• Father becomes a man, Grandfather becomes a child.

Responses from parents when asked - "what makes you happy?"

• The children (x5) - they are heartlifting!
• And my husband: of course.
• Being with the children.
• Being with the children when they were small.
• Family.
• Making other people happy.
• When the children are happy (x5)
• Seeing them (the children) develop (x2).
• Sharing a sandwich!
• having time to myself, if the children are happy, friends, sunshine, being outside under the stars with a campfire!
• Time for ourselves.
• When the children are with their grandmother!
• Time I have with my husband and friends.
• Having time off work so I can be with my daughter.
• A glass of wine after the girls have gone to bed!
• Gin and tonic!
• Having a night out with the girls and being myself.
• Getting out of the house more.
• Happiness (x2), love (x3), family, fair play and my parents good company.
• Seeing the children enjoying themselves.
• TV programmes.
• Seeing my son wear his motorbike helmet (feel reassured that he is safer).
• Time for us.

Responses from children when asked "what makes you happy?"

• Playing football (x3)
• American Football
• Swimming (x5).
• Music (boy of 13)
• Family, friends, my little brother, family get-together