Andy and his wife Becky Adlington have a son, daughter and a step daughter together. We caught up with Andy to speak about the support he received from Dad Matters powered by Home-Start after two miscarriages, alongside support from Petals. 

Dad Matters came along when we had our second miscarriage. The first one was a partial molar pregnancy (this is where there may be early signs of a baby, but it cannot fully develop or survive) at 12 weeks. Becky had to have an operation to remove the baby, and then she got sepsis and was really ill. Whereas our second miscarriage with Harper - obviously, we already had a name, so I was a lot closer to it. That happened at about 20 weeks, we’d gone for our routine check up, and there was no heartbeat. Becky was told to take a pill and come back in the next two days to give birth.

It suddenly got a lot more real; that’s probably the right word for it. And obviously I was involved a lot more because I was with her the whole time, the whole process involved us both.

We met with Olivia and Rainbow team at the hospital. They said, ‘we've got this counselling for you both, which was Petals, which is a couples counselling, and also, for you, Andy, if you're interested, we've got this group called Dad Matters’.

I was in that kind of frame of mind where I was still in shock, but having that chat with Olivia made me feel better. I realised that, however bad it is right now, it couldn’t get any worse! So, I might as well take the support that was offered. I've never really done that. I’d never really had any counselling or therapy, but my wife has a few times. I think giving the green light to the couples therapy made me think, why wouldn't I also get the support from Dad Matters? I didn’t have anything to lose.

From the start, there was no pressure from Wes from Home-Start HOST. I don’t remember exactly what the first message said, but I remember it feeling relaxed, with no pressure, when you’re ready sort of thing.

I’ll be honest, I was really surprised at how quickly he contacted me after being referred by Olivia. I thought it might take a while, or that they’d never even get back to me, but it was 2 days. I felt a bit apprehensive, naturally, as I’d not had support like this before. I’d offloaded with friends and family, but that’s different, I maybe wouldn’t go into the same depth. That’s what I liked about it, actually, it was weirdly way easier talking to a stranger than to family and friends, but I knew Wes wasn’t going to judge me. I’ve become quite open with my feelings. I think having children does that to you. I wasn’t like that before. I was quite closed off. But now, ever since having my son, I can cry at an advert!

It was just chatting, mainly on the phone when I needed it, Wes was always there. It was around my routine at work, I’d just started a new job, and they knew about everything. On lunch breaks, you know, every few days or every week, whenever it was, I'd give him a call. I was really open with work about it. It was nice to unload whilst at work, away from home.

Wes would also message me, but that never felt too much, so it was nice and natural. We still message now and again, we’re still close. I know there are loads more people who need his time more than me, of course, but I know he’d always be there if I needed a quick chat.

Wes is a really good guy. It felt like he was the perfect fit for me. He stands by his word, no matter what he’s there. He even came to the funeral service for Harper with Olivia, they both sat at the back. They just rocked up and even now I get a bit of a lump in my throat thinking about it. It was just such a lovely thing to have done. I never expected them to. It was powerful. And that was actually the first time both Becky and I had met him in person.

It eased the burden in my mind. There was something about talking to someone else, and the focus was just about me – that might sound quite selfish, but as a guy you don't really get that, and it was nice to experience that. I did feel like I was a bit of a burden at times. I’d feel ‘what you're just here the whole time for me when I call you?!’ At times it felt too good to be true, not paying for that kind of support. I couldn’t really believe it was offered to me.

Obviously, for the woman – it’s mental and the physical. But it affects the guy as well, not trying to take away anything from the woman, I just think they should also be recognised as well, so that’s why Dad Matters is so great.

My advice to new dads who might be struggling is…Find someone to speak to whether it be someone from Dad Matters or a really good friend, someone you trust.

I also think voice notes are always quite a good thing. Sometimes you have feelings and thoughts to get out, rather than write it out. I've also done quite a lot of writing, as an outlet for my feelings. I've written a few poems about Harper, which again, I never thought I'd do, but it worked for me at the time.

One last thing that’s really important is communication with your partner, if you have one. You’ve got to figure out how your other half reacts in a time like that. I'm someone who likes to keep busy, I like to get out of the house, I like to be doing things like sport and football, cycling quite a lot. And my wife just wants to be at home and have those moments of just relaxing on the sofa. 

We spoke to Becky about the support Andy received and she said:

“It was nice that Andy had an outlet that was just for him, and especially because most men don't open up and talk as often as women do. And they go through stuff in very, very different ways to what the woman's going through. It was really helpful.

Dad Matters is an amazing service provided by Home-Start, and straight away, Andy got on really well with Wes and felt really comfortable phoning him. I think that was just a massive benefit.

Most of the time Andy would go out for a walk and speak to Wes on the phone, and then Andy would come back and feel so much better about stuff. Andy didn't necessarily divulge or overshare with me, but I was just like, it’s brilliant that it's made you feel so much better and that you've just had somebody to talk to. It made such a difference.”