Mental health issues were not a new thing to me when I became a Dad. I was diagnosed with depression when I was about 20 and had my ups and downs for many years. In some ways, having these experiences meant that I was in a better position to identify what I was feeling when I did become a Dad. For many, I imagine it can be much harder to understand your own mental health when it is something that you have not experienced before.

My first hands on experience of being a Dad came as a bit of a surprise, as my daughter was around a month early. If this in itself was not scary enough, she was also underweight. Fortunately, we never had to contend with the challenges associated with ICUs, but it did lead to several weeks of feeding issues and stress regarding her weight. Along with all the usual fun that parents have with sleep, nappies and exhaustion.

As with many Dads, it was during the early weeks that my mental health started to suffer. I started to feel low and depressed, but I was also finding myself getting frustrated and angry really quickly. Just struggling to deal with the emotions that I was encountering. Having had depression and mental health problems before, I recognised a lot of these issues and was able to do something about it, going to see my GP. I don’t think men realise how often depression can present as anger and irritability. This is often one of the main symptoms, but because it isn’t discussed as often, I think new Dads, and men in general, don’t identify it as a mental health issue the same way as they would if they were feeling low or unhappy. 

Another issue that I had to contend with was an unexpected lack of a bonding feeling with my new daughter in the first few weeks. Having now had three children, this feels like such a brief and inconsequential issue, but I know that it was a concern for me at the time and that other Dads often feel the same. Recent research into the bonding experience of Dads suggests reasons why so many of us feel this way early on (Dr Anna Machin has done some great presentations on this like the below).

However, this wasn’t something that I knew about at the time. I was expecting to feel some kind of immediate feeling of connection that just didn’t come. At the time, that was quite scary and made me think that something was wrong, but it did come, quite soon after, and I quickly forgot that it had ever been a problem.

There are two main things I’ve learnt about being a Dad. One is that you’re not going to get it right every time. There will be times when you aren’t the best Dad and you will feel as if you’ve failed, but if you keep trying and keep providing them with good experiences and love, then that is what matters most and what will make the difference to them. The second thing I’d say is that you have to do the difficult stuff. It’s very easy to let our partner (Or push our partner!) to do the things that are hard. Getting your child to sleep, comforting them when they won’t stop crying, cleaning up after a nappy explosion, etc! You don’t get better at these things unless you keep trying, even when it is tough. We owe it to our kids (and our partner!) not to just be the back-up parent, but to build the skills that make us a valuable addition to the parenting team. Someone who can cope by themselves, regardless of what is required.

With my children now a bit older, I have become involved with Dad Matters at Home-Start Wakefield and District, doing outreach at Pinderfields Hospital in Wakefield on a Wednesday morning. It’s kind of scary, starting conversations with strangers about their expectations and concerns over being a father. However, I think organisations such as Dad Matters are providing information and support that I would have really benefitted from, had it been available to me when I became a Dad. If I can contribute to that myself, then I feel that it is worth making those introductions.

Finally, I remember when my wife was pregnant and the responses I received from people were predominantly negative, mainly about how hard it was going to be. If this is your experience too, then don’t panic. Yes, it is hard, though I imagine you probably expected that. However, it’s also fun, unpredictable, rewarding and valuable. You’ll also have the experience of watching them change and develop, and become a whole person with their own thoughts, characteristics and peculiarities. However, it does go by very quickly, so try and stop every now and then along the way to enjoy it.