Ben and his wife Poppy experienced two miscarriages, they found it was hard to find people to speak to about what we were going through. That’s when Ben got in touch with Dad Matters delivered by Home-Start HOST for bereavement support. He went from being a support dad to supporting dads himself. Here’s his story is his words:

My life before Dad Matters was tough. Myself and Poppy went through a miscarriage, that loss and bereavement. We had each other to talk to obviously, but having someone external to the situation really helped.

Poppy had two miscarriages in our baby journey. We had a missed miscarriage. It was picked up on a private scan. The sonographer didn’t have the best people skills so that was really hard. We struggled through that loss. Poppy was pregnant again and experienced a miscarriage at work. So both situations were really different.

Poppy had some counselling from another charity, Petals who asked if I wanted to speak to somebody. I said yes. I’m not someone who says no to things, I’d always give something a go. That’s when I got in touch with Dad Matters.

Watch Ben's story:

Meeting my Coordinator Wez for the first time, we’d been chatting on the phone for quite a while and I felt like I was in a good place when I first met Wez. We met at a walk ‘n’ talk which was a nice, informal situation where I spotted this guy wearing a top with the Dad Matters logo on.

The conversations we were having there were similar to the ones we’d had on the phone – talking about how I was doing, how Poppy was and how we were managing our situation. It was really useful to be able to talk so openly with Wez.

The first time he rang, I’d totally forgot about it so me and Poppy were out in Manchester. I’d said to her that I wouldn’t be long. I answered the phone and Wez asked “are you okay?” I replied with a yeah, so he asked “really, how are you?”

In that moment I realised it was going to be more than a 5-minute chat. We had frequent conversations where Wez always asked me how I was but also asked me to update him on how things had changed since we last spoke. Whether things were better, or worse, we had those chats.

I kept going to the walk n talks in Heaton Park in Manchester and it allowed me to meet other dads that have been in similar situations to talk and listen to each other.

Life now is vastly different! We have a little girl, we’re at a good place in terms of our bereavement. Poppy and I still openly talk about our losses with each other. And we speak to people who are going through the same situation. I’ll always signpost Dad Matters when I can.

From having Wez’s support and talking to other dads it helps me and Poppy too, get in a good headspace after the two losses. It allowed us to move forward and move on to having our girl.

As a Dad Matter’s volunteer, I go to the walk n talks and talk to dads who are at the beginning of their grief journey. I try to encourage them to open up and talk if they want to. Sometimes they don’t, they’re not ready and that’s okay. Sometimes it’s just about being around other people that have been in similar situations, knowing that you’re not alone.

The walk ‘n’ talks are very low pressure; it’s a relaxed environment which helps dads talk and open up when they’re ready. In my role I do outreach too, I go and meet other dads that have been through loss before that are then expecting a child.

Here are my top tips for dads reading this who are in a similar situation to me:

1. Things will change. If you’re in a bad place, things do get better. It might feel long, but you will get there.

2. It’s okay to not talk about it – you shouldn’t feel a pressure from anyone to talk about it if you’re not in the right frame of mind to talk. I think to be forced into a conversation could be quite detrimental and can then push you back in your journey.

3. When you are ready, find someone to speak to who’s willing to listen – use that as much as you can. It’s good to get things off your chest, it’s good to talk to other people about your loss.